Themes discussed in this episode

• The importance of setting and holding your boundaries
• Why it can be SO hard to say no
• What to do and consider before you say no
• Reasons to always say no
• The softening the no formula
• Never be resentful when you must say yes

Episode Highlights

Timestamped inflection points from the show

1:00 – Boundaries matter: You are responsible for setting and holding firm to your own boundaries. Decide how you want to live your life and draw your work boundaries accordingly; otherwise, you will likely be miserable.
6:00 – Saying no is hard: If you’re a chronic people-pleaser, tend to be self-sacrificing, or work in a command-and-control type of company, it can be difficult to say no, but your boundaries are always important to uphold no matter the pushback.
10:00—Considerations before saying no: Before saying no, ask yourself strategically if you should say yes. Is the request annoying, or do you not like the way you were asked? Is there a benefit to saying yes instead? Are you compromising your personal time?
13:00 – Reasons why you can ALWAYS say no: If you’re too busy, have a personal commitment, or are asked to do something inappropriate or immoral, these are always good reasons to say no.
20:00 – The Saying No Formula: The formula for softening a no is a positive intro (I really wish I could), a reason (I’m slammed), and a suggestion (can we do this instead?).
23:00 – When you can’t say no: Sometimes you can’t say no, so do what needs to be done with grace, and don’t do it resentfully.

Top Quotes

2:00 – Even if someone gets irritated or tries to push on those boundaries, it’s your responsibility to be mindful and pay attention to your own beliefs and values and be honest about what you can and can’t do, even if it hurts someone’s feelings or makes them a little upset.
5:40 – If you don’t like what’s happening at the company and you really feel like you’re also not able to hold your boundaries, consider finding a new environment to work in. Consider finding a place that’s more culturally relevant to you so that you don’t feel like you have to constantly be pushing their boundaries or have them pushing yours.
10:00 – When you find yourself struggling and you really don’t want to say no, take 30 seconds to think about it before you respond, because that’s really what’s going to help you make the best decision and just to, instead of just a decision.
11:00 – Ask yourself strategically before you say no if you should in fact say yes. Is there a benefit to you for saying yes, like demonstrating your skills? If it’s a new type of project that maybe you’ve not done much work on before, if it will help you build a key relationship, consider putting the extra hours in and saying yes.
14:30 – When you have to say no and you absolutely don’t have any ideas for someone else to help or another way to handle it, best thing you can say is I wish I could, but I just can’t make that work. And then shut up.
18:00 – No, that’s not something I’m interested in doing. No, I’m not going there doing that or playing any part in that. Or no, I’m not comfortable with that at all. Those are all answers you can give when someone asks you to do something inappropriate.
19:45 – Just because a request is annoying doesn’t mean it’s something that you should turn down.
22:45 – If you tried to say no and that no was rejected and you just can’t say no, don’t go into the project resentfully because it will backfire and lead you to failure

Links

Transcript

0:00
Hello everybody, I’m Lori Jo Vest. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of Work Mom Says Don’t Be an Idiot. Great topic today. We’re going to be talking about how and when to say no at work because it will happen to you. Something will come up and you’ll have to say no to your coworker who wants you to work over the weekend, to your boss, to your supervisor, to your mom. There are a lot of times when you will have to say no.

So we’re gonna dig into that And talk about when you should say no and how you should say no. Because there are circumstances where your no should maybe be turned into a yes. So consider that as well.

But before we get going too far, let’s talk about boundaries. Boundaries is basically you setting a standard for how you want to live and then holding yourself accountable for that being true. And I’ll give you an example. I’m one of those people. I love to go to bed at 930. I go to bed at 930 because I get up at 630 and it feels good to me to get a good night’s sleep. I’m productive during the day and physically I feel really good.

1:00
And if someone comes along and says, Hey, there’s this event at 10 o’clock on Tuesday night, let’s go. I’m going to say no. Because one of my boundaries is I prefer a good night’s sleep to a late night evening and a half ruined next day. So that’s holding a boundary.

Now, there are occasions when you will have to hold a boundary and the person on the other side of the conversation doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. And they may tell you you’re being inflexible or this isn’t good for you or are you sure you really want to say no?

And in some cases, you’ll change your mind. But in others, you’ll hold that boundary because you are the one that is responsible for how you live your life and the standards you set for yourself.

2:00
So basically, it’s your responsibility. Even if someone gets irritated or tries to push on those boundaries, it’s your responsibility to maintain your side of the fence, to be mindful and pay attention to what your own beliefs and values and being honest about what you can and can’t do, even if it hurts someone’s feelings or makes them, you know, a little upset.

Be honest about what you will and won’t do, because there will be occasions when someone will ask you to work on a holiday, maybe, or work the entire weekend. And if you’ve got toddlers at home, that doesn’t fit your lifestyle. That doesn’t fit the standard that you’ve set for your life. So boundaries are really important.

3:00
So just to reiterate that part, because again, I think it’s so important. It’s your responsibility to decide how you want to live your life and then to create the environment that allows you to do so.

So for example, if you are a jeans and t-shirt kind of person, honestly, I’ve turned into that in the last six years, working at home and running an agency that’s 100% remote, jeans and t-shirts, comfy, can express yourself comfortably. you know, easy to launder, put on, no ironing. I mean, there’s a lot of reasons that that wardrobe is attractive to me. But I probably wouldn’t try to get a position at a bank and expect to bring that with me. I would have to compromise that standard. If I’m not willing to compromise that standard, then I wouldn’t take that job.

4:00
So don’t go into a conservative company and think you’re going to get away with being a wild child. If you want to be the wild child, go into more creative industry, make sure you’re looking at the companies you interview with for a culture fit, because that will help you determine if your maybe casual demeanor, jeans and t-shirt lifestyle is a fit for that culture, because that’s important.

And also if you get into an organization and you start to feel like, you know, this isn’t exactly what I want and you start trying to push for change, Be careful doing that. I would say don’t be a bull in the China shop constantly trying to push change because you will lose and you will look bad while losing. So that’s just a little side conversation there that once you decide how to live your life, make sure that the career environments that you put yourself in match with that.

5:00
So when you are interviewing, be the buyer. That’s something I heard, I think, J.B. Glossinger say. Always be the buyer. So when you go on a job interview, consider whether they’re going to be able to meet your standards. Consider whether you’re going to be able to express yourself fully in that environment so that your boundaries won’t be that hard to hold, right?

So a lot of times if you go into an environment that doesn’t fit with you culturally, you may try to push too much change. And despite your enthusiasm for making things more casual or better in ways you perceive, you will lose. And if that’s what’s happening, no matter how much enthusiasm you have, you will lose.

So if you don’t like what’s happening at the company and you really feel like you’re also not able to hold your boundaries, consider finding a new environment to work in. Consider finding a place that’s more culturally relevant to you so that you don’t feel like you have to constantly be pushing their boundaries or have them pushing yours. So just a little conversation on boundaries.

6:00
Um, so let’s talk about why it’s so hard to say no. Lots and lots of reasons. When we go to school, we’re taught to cooperate. We’re taught to be good, you know, good classmates to be collaborative. Um, And in a lot of cases, I hate to say this, but we’ve been traumatized. A lot of us have been traumatized and we’re people pleasers.

I just saw Lenny Kravitz interviewed on CBS Morning News by Gayle King, and he just turned 60. And he’s this, you know, superstar. And here he is at 60 saying, I’m a people pleaser. My whole career, I’ve suffered with that. And now at 60, I finally feel like I’m doing what’s right for me.

And a lot of people feel that way because as people pleasers, we may not discover that were people pleasers till, you know, our forties, fifties, or even sixties, because it’s just a behavior pattern that’s so natural based on, you know, your personal trauma response that you don’t even know you’re doing it until you’ve been doing it for a really long time and it hasn’t worked. And then you go, wait a minute, what’s happening.

7:00
So if you, um, if you have a trauma response that is people pleasing or what I call fawning, that’s how you’ll see it defined. Um, you will naturally find it hard to say no, because most people don’t want to hear no, they want you to say yes, you know, and when you can, you will.

But, um, if your trauma response is fawning, it will be difficult, even more difficult for you. Um, a lot of us just worry that others will think less of us if we’re not always cooperative. When in reality, if you think about the people in your life, somebody who’s told you no before, um, Were they awful people? No, they weren’t. Did you hate them forever? Probably not. So if you think that others are going to think less of you, try to put yourself in that position. Would you think less of you if you had to say no? Probably not.

8:00
So we’re worried about what other people think of us. We also may think that if we can’t do it all, we’re not good enough. that we, we should be able to take whatever’s thrown at us. Well, that’s a real old school way of thinking.

Um, back in the eighties, you know, sixties, eighties, nineties, um, you would find a lot of that happening where, um, you know, super woman, women can go to, you know, go to work in the morning and pick up the groceries on the way home and make a beautiful dinner and read the children a story after their baths and just be super woman. You can do it all. Um, No, nobody can do it all. That myth was debunked a long time ago. Nobody can do it all.

So when you find you have to say no because you cannot do it all, just remember there’s no such thing as superheroes. You are not a superhero. You do not have extensive powers that allow you to get more than 24 hours out of a day. So pay no attention to that one.

9:00
We think we’re self-sacrificing or we are self-sacrificing. Maybe we’ve been conditioned that it’s best for us to do what others think we should do. um, over our serving our own needs. And that happens a lot. Um, many of us come from families where there was maybe a dominant family member who always got their way and you went along. And so you became what I call self-sacrificing. You don’t have to be that in a work environment. You can experiment at work, um, by trying to hold your boundaries and trying to say no when you need to.

Um, the other thing that happens frequently, because we have a lot of, um, command and control type leadership in the United States anyway, in large corporations. So you may have said no to your boss or to a coworker in the past and gotten called out for it and kind of forced to do what you didn’t want to do.

So let’s say you said no in the past and nobody listened. Just because they didn’t listen then doesn’t mean they won’t listen now. Doesn’t mean that other people at other companies where you work won’t listen.

10:00
So those reasons, um, that make it hard to say no are things to keep in mind. And when you find yourself kind of struggling, like, I really don’t want to say no, take a minute, take a pause, um, take 30 seconds to think about it before you respond, because that’s really what’s going to help you make the best decision and just to, instead of just a decision.

So a couple of things, um, Now you know why you have a hard time saying no. Let’s talk about what you should do before you say no. Ask yourself strategically, should you actually be saying yes? Are you one of those people that maybe has what is called demand resistance, meaning somebody is demanding something out of you, you don’t like the way they asked you, or you’re just not happy about being asked, so you immediately say no or think, no, I’m not going to do that.

11:00
Ask yourself strategically before you say no, especially at work, if you should in fact say yes. Is there a benefit to you for saying yes, like demonstrating your skills? If it’s a new type of project that maybe you’ve not done much work on before, if it will help you build a key relationship, consider putting the extra hours in and saying yes, because it could be a career builder. Will it help you grow your skills? Then say yes, always. That’s one of those things.

If you can possibly do it and do it well, and maybe you’re a little intimidated because you’ve not done it before, well, the only way to learn is to try new things. So if you’re concerned you might not have the skills, definitely say yes and let other people help you learn those skills that you might be lacking.

Are you compromising your family time too much? That’s something you definitely need have to be mindful of. If you have a partner and kids or just a partner and fur kids, you are entitled to have a good life. And that means spending time with your family and having personal time as well as being available and doing your best work.

12:00
So maybe lean toward no if you’re compromising your family time too much. And you know when that happens. So it can be a tough balancing act, but be strategic about it. You may have to compromise once, you know, one weekend and then don’t for six months just to show that you’ve got, you know, some skin in the game and you are willing.

Or like one of my girlfriends did, you know, three or four years ago, she quit a job because they expected her to work till nine o’clock at night and over the weekend once she got there. And she very clearly explained, I have small children at home. This was not what was explained to me when I first started here. So I found another position.

13:00
And it was really, to me, it was really outstanding to see a young woman stand up for her family that way. Because we often feel like we can’t do that. Like our families aren’t as important. Well, if your family’s not important to your boss, find a new boss. I got to tell you.

Okay, let’s talk now about when you have to say no. here are reasons to always say no. When you simply can’t do something effectively because you’re just too busy. Um, I, I’m just, maybe I’m just jamming out 60 hours a week and somebody tries to put something else on my schedule with a tight deadline and I know I can’t do it.

A couple of ways to approach that would be say no and discuss the options for having other people do it. Um, maybe I can’t do it, but you know what? I know that Melissa, uh, is really good at that kind of work and she might have some open time. So you say no, but you discuss options and help them find someone else to do it.

14:00
Say no and see if you can negotiate to take on part of it or push the deadlines. I’ve done that before where I’ve worked on projects and they want me to, you know, maybe write all the social copy and select all the stock images. And I know I can’t do both. So maybe I say I can write the social copy. And can you have John, you know, work on the images for me? Then we can meet that deadline. But I can’t do it all myself.

Another option. When you have to say no and you absolutely don’t have any ideas for someone else to help or another way to handle it, best thing you can say is I wish I could, but I just can’t make that work. And then shut up. That’s all you need to say. I just can’t make that work.

And then be quiet because there’s a tactic in negotiations, really effective that when you say something like that, we all have a tendency to say, Oh, I wish I could, but I can’t make that work because I have this and that, and then this and that. And before you know it, you’re talking yourself out of your know. So I wish I could, but no, I can’t make that work. And then be quiet.

15:00
And the thing in negotiations is whoever talks first loses. So even if there’s 30 seconds of quiet, just wait for their response. Because what you’ve done is you’ve set down a boundary that maybe you have a wedding that weekend. Maybe you have a, first communion or you have a birthday party or an anniversary, or, you know, you have to get home for your wife’s birthday. You promised her you would take her out to dinner, whatever it is, you have the ability to say no and the responsibility to yourself to say no.

So one of the best ways to soften that is I wish I could, but no, I can’t make that work and say it in a tone that under that expresses your sincerity, that you really kind of feel bad that you can’t do it.

16:00
So when you’re too busy, when you have personal commitments and you absolutely have to say no, those are some great suggestions. We will put some additional resources into the transcript, the show notes for this episode. So you can look there and find some more resources on how to say no, because it’s a really difficult thing to do sometimes. But anyway, back to the when to say no.

Another time you have to say no is when you’re being asked to do something inappropriate. Maybe it’s against the rules. Maybe it’s against your moral character. Let’s say, you know, we’re going to punch up this invoice with 10 extra hours a week, and you know that 10 extra hours of work aren’t being done. Or this guy should have this discount, but since he hasn’t asked about it, let’s not give it to him.

Those kinds of things are kind of dicey. They’re on the edge of what you can say, you know, I won’t do, however, you can say no and reiterate it with a reinforcing phrase. So let’s talk about that.

17:00
You know, I, Lori, I need you to add, you know, 10 hours a week to this invoice. We just have to catch up on some financing and, you know, we’re working way too hard for them anyway. And some answers you could give would be, I’m sorry, but that’s not how I do things. Um, And for example, that’s not how I do things. Is there a better way or can we inform the client that they’re out of scope and that we need to bill more hours and they will expect that and it will be handled appropriately? Can we do that instead?

Another answer for that is no, that’s not something I’m interested in doing. You know, if somebody is asking you to, to lie about something, to be a backup commentator on someone’s performance or, you know, anything that sounds like gossip or, you know, lying or, you know, just being less than stellar in your moral character at the office should be shut down.

18:00
No, that’s not something I’m interested in doing. No, I’m not going there doing that or playing any part in that. Or no, I’m not comfortable with that at all. Those are all answers you can give.

And it may sound a little out of the normal realm, but having been in business for 30 years, I can tell you people will, you will come across those people that will do completely inappropriate things in your company and ask you to play along. They are out there.

I have worked in, you know, at least six different companies where, you know, the owner had difficulties not dating the staff or, you know, they, people were HR told everybody what everybody made when they weren’t supposed to, or people were asked to do things that were untoward. And you have to say no to that. You are within your rights to say no.

19:00
But then one of the best things that you can do is to find another employer, if that’s what’s happening, because you shouldn’t have to tolerate that kind of thing. And if it’s not honestly, if it’s not on the up and up, you don’t want to get caught in it. So it’s best to say no.

So when you find yourself annoyed and irritated by a request, That is not enough of a reason to say no. Before you say no, find out what’s going on with you. What’s got you annoyed? What’s causing the problem? Is it, you just don’t like this coworker or maybe you’ve done, you know, them a ton of favors and they just keep pushing favors on you, but they’re not doing favors for you. There’s no reciprocity, those kinds of people.

You may want to stop yourself for a second, take that 30 second break and then, Think about why it’s upsetting you so that you can get clarity before you decide if you should say yes or no. Just because a request is annoying doesn’t mean it’s something that you should turn down. So that’s something to consider.

20:00
Moving along, it’s really important to know how to soften a no. And that’s not saying, nope, I’m not doing that, because I had someone do that to me once. I was in video production. We’d hired an audio guy, or we were going to hire an audio guy, and it was a real complex project, and it was pretty expensive.

And so my job, I thought, as the account rep, getting the quote was to ask the question at the end, When I got the quote, can you do any better on price? That felt like what I needed to do to be fiscally responsible for my clients. And one audio guy, he just cracks me up in hindsight, but he said the answer to that would be no. And I was like, ooh, ouch. Didn’t feel good.

21:00
So when you have to say no, learning how to soften it can be really helpful to the relationship. So some examples. I really wish I could, but I’m slammed. Can we do this instead? I’m so sorry I can’t make this work. Is there any flexibility on the deadline? I’d love to help, but I’m on a few heavy deadlines that are taking 100% of my attention. Can I help you find someone else to do that for you?

And think about it this way. There’s a formula for this softening a no. And that is a positive intro, the reason, and it doesn’t have to be detailed, but just a reason, and a suggestion. For example, I really wish I could. That’s a positive intro. But I’m slammed. That’s the reason. Can we do this instead? That’s the suggestion. Again, positive. Another way, positive intro. I’m so sorry, but I can’t make this work. That’s the intro and the reason. And the suggestion is, is there any flexibility on the deadline? Because maybe if they change their deadline, you could get the work done. You never know.

22:00
So those kinds of things, positive intro, the reason, and a suggestion. If you can remember that, those no’s will be a lot softer when they land on the other side with the recipient.

Now, when you can’t say no, there are times when you just can’t say no. This happens a lot in the ad agency world. And I’m sure at tax season, it probably happens in the accounting world. And there’s all kinds of deadlines that come up. And sometimes somebody will pile stuff on you and you can’t say no.

And in those cases, do what needs to be done with grace. Don’t do it resentfully. Keep the emotions out of it. Be a professional 100%. If you tried to say no and that no was rejected and you just can’t say no, don’t go into the project resentfully because it will backfire.

23:00
And once you know you have no choice and you’ve been forced to say yes, just honestly fake it till you make it. Pretend that you feel good about it until you feel good about it. Being resentful after you’ve had to say yes to a request will definitely lead you to failure. And nobody wants failure. You don’t want failure. Your employer doesn’t want failure. Whoever’s asking you to do the work doesn’t want failure. And most of all, you don’t want to look bad.

Resentment will never make you look good. Resentment is always something you want to explore and figure out and get behind you before you discuss an issue with a coworker or your boss. or a client.

24:00
So that’s basically what I’ve got for you today, how to say no and when to say no at work. So please keep in touch with me. I’m an open networker on LinkedIn under Lori Jo Vest. We also have a LinkedIn page. I think I mentioned that earlier. You can go there to, you know, comment on our content and um, read our blog posts, things like that.

On our website at workmomsays.com, we have a contact form and we’d love to hear from you. Tell us who you’d like us to have on as guests. If you’d like to be a guest, let us know. Tell us what you’re thinking. What should we be covering? We’d love to hear from you.

And if you’re listening on one of the podcast platforms, please shoot me some stars. Let me know you’re listening. I’d love to hear from you there too. So again, signing off. This is Lori Jo Vest. Work Mom Says, don’t Be An Idiot.

Who is our ideal listener?

This podcast is for young professionals, so they can learn to play the emotional context sport of business and experience less drama and more success.

How can you be more logical and less emotional? Be strategic, and Work Mom Says can help you.

“I tell people to back up, put down the magnifying glass, and look at the big picture when you’re responding to something,” said Lori Jo Vest, Work Mom. “In doing this, you will understand that what’s really upsetting you right now will be something you don’t even remember next week.”

What value can people get from listening to this podcast?

Listening to Work Mom Says can help you grow your mood management skills, grow your ability to reframe situations, and look at things from a strategic point of view. This makes it easier to go into a work situation and get the most positive results.

On Work Mom Says, we also offer tips and tricks for creating connected positive relationships that last over time. People will want you on the team if you can create connected positive relationships and work environments. You become an asset, and you will be more successful when you’re an asset.

“I also like to talk about developing traits like optimism, persistence, tenacity, stick-to-itiveness, sticking with things, and approaching every project with a curious mind instead of a fearful mind,” said Lori Jo Vest, Work Mom

                                                                                                     

Why do I do this? A few more words from Work Mom

I do this because I naturally fell into the Work Mom role when I worked in the ad agency business and had so much fun with it. I also realized I had made just about every mistake there was to make. I don’t hold myself as a stellar example of truth and how you should be. I hold myself out there as someone who has been bruised, battered, and beaten up and learned some important lessons. I’d love to share these lessons with young people, so they don’t have to make those same mistakes or be the idiot I was.

I also want to help young professionals realize that many things our culture prioritizes aren’t really important. We talk a lot about what should be important and how to present your best face at the office so that you can succeed.

I’ve learned so much throughout my career, and it’s gratifying to share that with young professionals and help them avoid some of those mistakes and get to that success sooner.

Episode 26 – “The Origin of Work Mom Says (Plus a Sneak Peek at My Upcoming Book)” appeared first on Work Mom Says.